i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
