Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Randomize
