I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
