You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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