Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Barsexuality is the new black.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
