Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
