you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
