I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
