after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
