You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
