So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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