he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
