How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
