I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
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