Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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