sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
