Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
