I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
