Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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