I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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