im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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