I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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