Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
