im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
