i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
