If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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