it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
and i looked up. we had an audience...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
