allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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