Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
