I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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