i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
