If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
