the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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