bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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