I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
