I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I smell like Dick and happiness
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