if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
its not stalking. its research.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
