I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
