remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
they need to just BURY HIM!
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
