A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
