I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
