Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
