so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
my poor anus
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I wear drunk well.
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