Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
