I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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