He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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