I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
