Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
