I met the friendliest cop last night
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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