I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
