I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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