Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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