dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
