the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
