Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
