piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Pants are for mortals
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
